I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
