Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
