I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
