Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
