if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
