he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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