1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
