just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize