The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
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