Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
