Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
