i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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