I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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