I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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