Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
