so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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