So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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