this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
