you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
