I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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