I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
