How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
