So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
