I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize