what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
