smell my finger.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
