dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
