He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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