nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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