I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
