Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You took a bar mat shot.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
