once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
