I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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