While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
