Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
