Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
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