I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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