Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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