whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
