i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
No more Irish car bombs ever.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
