her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
