He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
