i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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