someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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