i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
