Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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