We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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