How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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