so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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