I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
