It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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