I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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