yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
