Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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