she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
