I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
