My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize