I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
