party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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