hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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